Boy: Remember, what I am about to tell you is very important.
Girl: Okay. What is that?
Boy: I love you so much that I want to live with you forever and ever!
Girl: (Flattered) Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.
Boy: Good, please tell that to your pretty best friend, huh!
Juan, Pedro and Ondo, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
Juan shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. Juan was able to escape because of the commotion.
It's Pedro's turn. He shouts: "Earthquake!". The people watching the execution panicked. He was able to escape.
Ondo was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Ondo had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..." Ondo shouted: "Fire!".
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I told you, we don't have any grapes!! Next time I see your little duck tail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. Got me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do you want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? Of course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
New dictionary for students:
ALLOWANCE : a force that motivates you to go to school.
BONUS : the key to pass the exam.
ID : alternative ruler to draw a straight line.
STUDYING : causes sleepiness faster than a sleeping pills.
TOMORROW : deadline.
CLINIC : home of best actors and actresses.
BREAK : most enjoyable subject.
NERD : best friend during exams!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Tagalog Jokes 2
Sabi ng nanay ko wala daw akong kwentang anak dahil sobrang tamad daw ako
Kaya minsan nga gusto ko nang sumuko, magpakamatay, maglaslas, magbigti pero..
Kaya lang..
Tinamad ako.
Boy1: Lolo ko 80 na nagtetext pa !
BOY2: Wala yan sa lolo ko, 92 na nag fa-facebook pa
BOY3: (may kausap sa cp) : Lo Ngayun na?
Sino sino po? Sige punta na ako !
Boy1/2 : Sino yun?
BOY3: Lolo ko, dota daw, May dayo
nag-usap ang magsyota sa tabing dagat
Gf: babe anu zodiac sign mo?
(nag isip ang lalaki kc bobo walang maisip)
Bf: ahmm pwde ikw muna?
Gf: cge ang zodiac sign ko CANCER.
Bf: ako? GOITER (nagulat ang babae)
Gf: ha?! walang zodiac na goiter
Bf: hehehe joke lng. ULCER talaga zodiac sign ko!..
"Pano tayo makakabuo kung hndi ako papatong sayo" -HALLOWBLOCKS-
"Dilaan mo muna at lawayan para tumigas at mas madaling ipasok" -SINULID-
"Bakit mo ako binibitin kung kelan kainitan at basang-basa ako" -SINAMPAY-
"Painitin mo ako..kailangan kong pumutok pra akoy matikman at ika'y masarapan" -POPCORN-
Kapitan: Kailangan nating magbawas ng 3 pasahero para sa Kaligtasan ng karamihan.
Japanese: Farewell Japan..(sabay talonn sa dagat)
(hindi nagpahuli ang ang Espanyol)
Espanyol: Viva !!.Espanya..(tumalon din sa dagat)
Syempre Hindi rin naman papatalo ang pinoy!!...
Pinoy: (Sumigaw) Mabuhay pilipino!!..(Sabay Tulak sa katabing bumbay)
3 buntis nag-uusap
Buntis 1 : Madre ang magiging anak namin dahil palagi kaming naka-missionary position ng mister ko noong ginanagawa namin siya
Buntis 2 : Kami gymnast kasi palagi kaming nag-aacrobat ng mister ko sa kama
Buntis 3 : Kinakabahan yata ako sa magiging anak namin kasi baka tumahol.
Juan: pare sinong idol mo?
Pedro: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Juan: cge nga, spell schwarzenegger?
Pedro: hindi, joke lang. Pare si Jet Li talaga idol ko!
Ang LOVE parang IBON kailangan palayain.
Kailangan pakawalan.
Babalik yan kung talagang para sayo!
Pero kung hindi..
BARILIN mo! pesteng ibon yan, ang CHOOSY!!
Sa party, nilapitan ng isang gwapong lalaki ang isang babaeng nkaupo sa isang tabi :
Lalaki : sasayaw ka ba ?
tuwang tuwa ang babae at tmayo..
babae : oo, sasayaw ako!
lalaki : hay salamat! paupo ako ah?
Hahaha
Ano ang tawag sa..
nag aayos ng tubo?
- TUBERO..
kumukuha ng basura?
- BASURERO
mahilig sa gimik?
- GIMIKERO
mahilig sa babae?
- BABAERO
e ang taong lagi sa KANTO??
TAMBAY dude ! wag ka manghula
boy : bakit parang natatakot ka?
girl : kasi muntik na akong ma rape jan sa may kanto ! buti nalang may pera ako..
boy : so binigay mo nalang pera mo?
girl : hindi.. nag motel kami . nakakahiya naman kung jan lang sa gilid gilid no!
AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!
IN TAGALOG:
kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!
sa kinder class :
student : ma'am., pag pinaghalo poba ang surf at tide bubula po ba??
teacher : oo naman! parehas na sabon yun e.
student : ok po.
( student bumulong sa katabi :)
student : adik si ma'am no?wala pa ngang tubig e. excited talaga. sayang binabayad nating tuition dito mag transfer nalang tayo !
boy1 : sobrang busy na talaga natin ngayon no?
boy2 : oo nga e. sa sobrang busy parang naging tape na tong brief ko..
boy1 : talaga? bkt naman?
boy2 : side A at side B na kase..
boy1 : ganun ba pre ? ako kasi parang movie na.
boy2 : bakit naman??
boy 1 : now on it's second week
lalaki1:pare pa kiss?
lalaki2:gago ka tangena mo!!
lalaki1:sige na pare pa kiss!
lalaki2:Ulol!san ba kasi?
boy : balita ko namatay na daw bf mo aah? pwede ba akong pumalit sa pwesto nya ?
girl : ewan ko lang.. kung papayag yung punerarya..
bulag at duling magsusuntukan!
bulag: hayop ka duling! Lumabas ka dyan,wag kang mgtago sa dilim!
duling: in ur dreams! bakit aq lalabas eh dalawa kayo
hahahaha
manager : ikaw ba ang aplekante ?
boy : opo.
manager : e bakit naka trunks at shades kapa? ano ba aapplyan mo?
boy : SUMMER job po.
A guy visits his dying Chinese girl friend at the hospital. The Chinese girl said "Hong Pi Chik" then die. The guy went all the way to China to find the meaning of his friend's last word. And he was shock to know the real meaning.
"WAG MO TAPAKAN ANG OXYGEN"
isang araw nag pass ng isang blangkong papel ang studyante sa teacher
teacher: bakit blanko ang papel mostudyante: mom! nag drawing po ako ng kalabaw at damo!!!
teacher: eh, asan yung damo?
student: mom, naubos na po yung damo
teacher: eh, asan yung kalabaw
studyante: mom ano pa po nmng gagawin ng kalabaw kung wala ng damo
"COMONSENCE NAMAN PO"
Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!
ahahaha,
Kaya minsan nga gusto ko nang sumuko, magpakamatay, maglaslas, magbigti pero..
Kaya lang..
Tinamad ako.
Boy1: Lolo ko 80 na nagtetext pa !
BOY2: Wala yan sa lolo ko, 92 na nag fa-facebook pa
BOY3: (may kausap sa cp) : Lo Ngayun na?
Sino sino po? Sige punta na ako !
Boy1/2 : Sino yun?
BOY3: Lolo ko, dota daw, May dayo
nag-usap ang magsyota sa tabing dagat
Gf: babe anu zodiac sign mo?
(nag isip ang lalaki kc bobo walang maisip)
Bf: ahmm pwde ikw muna?
Gf: cge ang zodiac sign ko CANCER.
Bf: ako? GOITER (nagulat ang babae)
Gf: ha?! walang zodiac na goiter
Bf: hehehe joke lng. ULCER talaga zodiac sign ko!..
"Pano tayo makakabuo kung hndi ako papatong sayo" -HALLOWBLOCKS-
"Dilaan mo muna at lawayan para tumigas at mas madaling ipasok" -SINULID-
"Bakit mo ako binibitin kung kelan kainitan at basang-basa ako" -SINAMPAY-
"Painitin mo ako..kailangan kong pumutok pra akoy matikman at ika'y masarapan" -POPCORN-
Kapitan: Kailangan nating magbawas ng 3 pasahero para sa Kaligtasan ng karamihan.
Japanese: Farewell Japan..(sabay talonn sa dagat)
(hindi nagpahuli ang ang Espanyol)
Espanyol: Viva !!.Espanya..(tumalon din sa dagat)
Syempre Hindi rin naman papatalo ang pinoy!!...
Pinoy: (Sumigaw) Mabuhay pilipino!!..(Sabay Tulak sa katabing bumbay)
3 buntis nag-uusap
Buntis 1 : Madre ang magiging anak namin dahil palagi kaming naka-missionary position ng mister ko noong ginanagawa namin siya
Buntis 2 : Kami gymnast kasi palagi kaming nag-aacrobat ng mister ko sa kama
Buntis 3 : Kinakabahan yata ako sa magiging anak namin kasi baka tumahol.
Juan: pare sinong idol mo?
Pedro: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Juan: cge nga, spell schwarzenegger?
Pedro: hindi, joke lang. Pare si Jet Li talaga idol ko!
Ang LOVE parang IBON kailangan palayain.
Kailangan pakawalan.
Babalik yan kung talagang para sayo!
Pero kung hindi..
BARILIN mo! pesteng ibon yan, ang CHOOSY!!
Sa party, nilapitan ng isang gwapong lalaki ang isang babaeng nkaupo sa isang tabi :
Lalaki : sasayaw ka ba ?
tuwang tuwa ang babae at tmayo..
babae : oo, sasayaw ako!
lalaki : hay salamat! paupo ako ah?
Hahaha
Ano ang tawag sa..
nag aayos ng tubo?
- TUBERO..
kumukuha ng basura?
- BASURERO
mahilig sa gimik?
- GIMIKERO
mahilig sa babae?
- BABAERO
e ang taong lagi sa KANTO??
TAMBAY dude ! wag ka manghula
boy : bakit parang natatakot ka?
girl : kasi muntik na akong ma rape jan sa may kanto ! buti nalang may pera ako..
boy : so binigay mo nalang pera mo?
girl : hindi.. nag motel kami . nakakahiya naman kung jan lang sa gilid gilid no!
AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!
IN TAGALOG:
kain lang kayo ng kain, walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!
sa kinder class :
student : ma'am., pag pinaghalo poba ang surf at tide bubula po ba??
teacher : oo naman! parehas na sabon yun e.
student : ok po.
( student bumulong sa katabi :)
student : adik si ma'am no?wala pa ngang tubig e. excited talaga. sayang binabayad nating tuition dito mag transfer nalang tayo !
boy1 : sobrang busy na talaga natin ngayon no?
boy2 : oo nga e. sa sobrang busy parang naging tape na tong brief ko..
boy1 : talaga? bkt naman?
boy2 : side A at side B na kase..
boy1 : ganun ba pre ? ako kasi parang movie na.
boy2 : bakit naman??
boy 1 : now on it's second week
lalaki1:pare pa kiss?
lalaki2:gago ka tangena mo!!
lalaki1:sige na pare pa kiss!
lalaki2:Ulol!san ba kasi?
boy : balita ko namatay na daw bf mo aah? pwede ba akong pumalit sa pwesto nya ?
girl : ewan ko lang.. kung papayag yung punerarya..
bulag at duling magsusuntukan!
bulag: hayop ka duling! Lumabas ka dyan,wag kang mgtago sa dilim!
duling: in ur dreams! bakit aq lalabas eh dalawa kayo
hahahaha
manager : ikaw ba ang aplekante ?
boy : opo.
manager : e bakit naka trunks at shades kapa? ano ba aapplyan mo?
boy : SUMMER job po.
A guy visits his dying Chinese girl friend at the hospital. The Chinese girl said "Hong Pi Chik" then die. The guy went all the way to China to find the meaning of his friend's last word. And he was shock to know the real meaning.
"WAG MO TAPAKAN ANG OXYGEN"
isang araw nag pass ng isang blangkong papel ang studyante sa teacher
teacher: bakit blanko ang papel mostudyante: mom! nag drawing po ako ng kalabaw at damo!!!
teacher: eh, asan yung damo?
student: mom, naubos na po yung damo
teacher: eh, asan yung kalabaw
studyante: mom ano pa po nmng gagawin ng kalabaw kung wala ng damo
"COMONSENCE NAMAN PO"
Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!
ahahaha,
Friday, October 21, 2011
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Visayan Jokes 2
PAPA: nak paliti q ug suka...
ANAK: dli ko tay kay ngitngit man gud,...
PAPA: ayaw kabalaka nak kay naa man kai guardian angel....
ANAK: sya nalang papalita sa tindahan tay kay isog man kaha na sya!!!
totoy; kul gisugo kong nanay kuhaon ang baboy..
tiyo: oi dong dako naman diay ka dong..dalia ras panahon sah...unsa na kang grade dong?
totoy: 4th year high school kul..
tiyo: aw, 4th year na diay ka?...unya unsa man imong planong kuhaon?..
totoy..ang baboy kul..
Usa ka pirata gi interview sa usa ka reporter...
Reporter: Nganong imong pikas tiil kahoy man?
Pirata: Ah, naigo ni sa bala unya giputul giilisan na lang ug kahoy.
Reporter: Imong toong kamot naa may hook?
Pirata: Ah, naputol ni sa espada diha nga duna kuy nakaaway.
Reporter: Unya imong pikas mata duna man nai itum nga tabon? (eye patch).
Pirata: Ah, naithan ni ug langgam unya nabuta.
Reporter: Ha? Makabuta diay nang iti sa langgam?
Pirata: Gilugud man gud nako sa akong toong kamut.
bogo vs. genius
genius_pre,lingaw2x ta,,,mangutana ko nmu kung di ka makatubag tagaan ko nmu og 5 pisos,kung ikaw mangutana og di ko katubag tagaan taka og 5 thousand pesos,,game?
Bogo:game!
Genius ika pila ang earth sa solar system?
Bogo (mitonol og 5 pisos sa genius)
bogo Sege ako napud,unsang mananapa nga 3 ra'y tiil,unya pag saka nya sa bukid nahimu og upat?
Genius (naghuna huna hangtud mi give up og mihatag na lang og 5K)
Genius unsa man di ai tubag ato pre?
Bogo (mihatag og 5 pisos)
Teacher : 1 book + 1 book ?
Student : 2 books
Teacher : 2 books + 2 books :
Student: 4 books
Teacher: 1,789,345 books + 23,658,298 books ?.
.
Student : LIBRARY
wahahaha
Son: Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
Tatay: Ha! Ngano man?
Son: Ako gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
Tatay: Anak gyud taka, liwat jud ka nako dah! Hehehe nya lami bah?
Son: pirteng lamea tay uy, gwapo kayo siya uy as in to the max!
Juan: Pre, kada gabii ko sige kuhiton sa akong misis. Unsay akong himoon?
Pedro: Ok ra ana pre! Unsa may problema ana?
Juan: Hadlok ko, tulo na cya ka tuig namatay!
Lalaki:yaw og singgit kay rape ni!
Babae: Sige mosugot nalang ko basta ayaw lang ko patya.
Lalaki: Ok paghubo na!
Babae: pagkuha og dahon saging kay atong ihapin.
Lalaki: (bogo0n,Nagkuha dayon og dahon sa saging)
Babae: (nisutoy og dagan og nisinggit) PAGBODBOD DIHA ANIMALA KA!!
hahaha
Asawa: Love, gutom ko.
Bana: Unsa man imong gusto?
Asawa: Tagna-a
Bana: Burger?
Asawa: Layo ra...
Bana: Hotdog?
Asawa: Duol na...
Bana: Itlog?
Asawa: Hapit njud...
Bana: ahhh... UTAN?
Asawa: Ayyyy!!! wrong spelling....
hehehe...
Announcer: Ug karon atong tawgon ang unang contestant para sa " Awit Ng Tanghalan...
Ok, contestant # 1 unsa man imong kantahon?
Cont.# 1: ahm, kuan " Dahong Laya".
Anouncer: salamat kaayo ha... ug karon atong tawgon ang ikaduhang contestant.
Unsa man imong kantahon?
Con.# 2: Ahmm, " The Falling Leaves"
Announcer: Ok, salamat kaayo ha.. Ug karon atong tawagon nasab ang ikatulong contestant.
Unsa man imong kantahon?
Cont.# 3: Nah! Manilhig nlang ko oi, daghan naman kaayong sagbot...
Kulas:Tikya duha ra kitang mangape?Nganung naglinya nang lima ka tasa sa lamisa, naa ba tay bisita?
Tikya: Ay kulas syempre nakapalit ko ug 5n1 cofee.
Anak: Ma naka.answer ko sa pangutana sa akong maestra...
Mama: Wow... brighta sa akong anak oh... unsa may pangutana sa imong maestra dong
Anak:Kinsay walay assignment
hehehe...
Si juan og iyang mama nag,istorya samtang gkaon..
Anak: ma hapit ko ma.top 1 sa among klase...
Mama: nganong naka.ingon mn ka ana dong
Anak: Ang2x ma ang gi.tudlo sa akong maestra ang ako mang tupad... sus hapita nko...
sakop ug amo:
SAKOP: Lenti kang amoha ka! Imo kong gihimo nga tawo2x sa basakan, unya ako sweldo walay saka2x! kun mamatay ko, kinsa mopakaon sa akong pamilya, ikaw?
AMO: Eninglisa, kay patas-on nako imong sweldo.
SAKOP: Lightning you! Man2x me in the farm, my salary did not climb! If i die who will eat my Family, you?
mama: sus! ambot nlng gyud nmong bataa ka oi..
juan: ngano nmn sad?!
mama: kadako jud nim ug kaon.. alkansi kay ta sa kwarta ani dah.. awa ra gud imong lawas oh.. dako na kaau ka..
juan: SUS!.. unsa man ni si mama oi..
mama: ngano man mo supak ka??
juan: awa ra gud.! kun ang baboy nato mkaon og dako.. malipay ka.. kun ako gani, masuko ka.. kinsa man jud imong anak?? ako o ang baboy?!
ANAK: dli ko tay kay ngitngit man gud,...
PAPA: ayaw kabalaka nak kay naa man kai guardian angel....
ANAK: sya nalang papalita sa tindahan tay kay isog man kaha na sya!!!
totoy; kul gisugo kong nanay kuhaon ang baboy..
tiyo: oi dong dako naman diay ka dong..dalia ras panahon sah...unsa na kang grade dong?
totoy: 4th year high school kul..
tiyo: aw, 4th year na diay ka?...unya unsa man imong planong kuhaon?..
totoy..ang baboy kul..
Usa ka pirata gi interview sa usa ka reporter...
Reporter: Nganong imong pikas tiil kahoy man?
Pirata: Ah, naigo ni sa bala unya giputul giilisan na lang ug kahoy.
Reporter: Imong toong kamot naa may hook?
Pirata: Ah, naputol ni sa espada diha nga duna kuy nakaaway.
Reporter: Unya imong pikas mata duna man nai itum nga tabon? (eye patch).
Pirata: Ah, naithan ni ug langgam unya nabuta.
Reporter: Ha? Makabuta diay nang iti sa langgam?
Pirata: Gilugud man gud nako sa akong toong kamut.
bogo vs. genius
genius_pre,lingaw2x ta,,,mangutana ko nmu kung di ka makatubag tagaan ko nmu og 5 pisos,kung ikaw mangutana og di ko katubag tagaan taka og 5 thousand pesos,,game?
Bogo:game!
Genius ika pila ang earth sa solar system?
Bogo (mitonol og 5 pisos sa genius)
bogo Sege ako napud,unsang mananapa nga 3 ra'y tiil,unya pag saka nya sa bukid nahimu og upat?
Genius (naghuna huna hangtud mi give up og mihatag na lang og 5K)
Genius unsa man di ai tubag ato pre?
Bogo (mihatag og 5 pisos)
Teacher : 1 book + 1 book ?
Student : 2 books
Teacher : 2 books + 2 books :
Student: 4 books
Teacher: 1,789,345 books + 23,658,298 books ?.
.
Student : LIBRARY
wahahaha
Son: Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
Tatay: Ha! Ngano man?
Son: Ako gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
Tatay: Anak gyud taka, liwat jud ka nako dah! Hehehe nya lami bah?
Son: pirteng lamea tay uy, gwapo kayo siya uy as in to the max!
Juan: Pre, kada gabii ko sige kuhiton sa akong misis. Unsay akong himoon?
Pedro: Ok ra ana pre! Unsa may problema ana?
Juan: Hadlok ko, tulo na cya ka tuig namatay!
Lalaki:yaw og singgit kay rape ni!
Babae: Sige mosugot nalang ko basta ayaw lang ko patya.
Lalaki: Ok paghubo na!
Babae: pagkuha og dahon saging kay atong ihapin.
Lalaki: (bogo0n,Nagkuha dayon og dahon sa saging)
Babae: (nisutoy og dagan og nisinggit) PAGBODBOD DIHA ANIMALA KA!!
hahaha
Asawa: Love, gutom ko.
Bana: Unsa man imong gusto?
Asawa: Tagna-a
Bana: Burger?
Asawa: Layo ra...
Bana: Hotdog?
Asawa: Duol na...
Bana: Itlog?
Asawa: Hapit njud...
Bana: ahhh... UTAN?
Asawa: Ayyyy!!! wrong spelling....
hehehe...
Announcer: Ug karon atong tawgon ang unang contestant para sa " Awit Ng Tanghalan...
Ok, contestant # 1 unsa man imong kantahon?
Cont.# 1: ahm, kuan " Dahong Laya".
Anouncer: salamat kaayo ha... ug karon atong tawgon ang ikaduhang contestant.
Unsa man imong kantahon?
Con.# 2: Ahmm, " The Falling Leaves"
Announcer: Ok, salamat kaayo ha.. Ug karon atong tawagon nasab ang ikatulong contestant.
Unsa man imong kantahon?
Cont.# 3: Nah! Manilhig nlang ko oi, daghan naman kaayong sagbot...
Kulas:Tikya duha ra kitang mangape?Nganung naglinya nang lima ka tasa sa lamisa, naa ba tay bisita?
Tikya: Ay kulas syempre nakapalit ko ug 5n1 cofee.
Anak: Ma naka.answer ko sa pangutana sa akong maestra...
Mama: Wow... brighta sa akong anak oh... unsa may pangutana sa imong maestra dong
Anak:Kinsay walay assignment
hehehe...
Si juan og iyang mama nag,istorya samtang gkaon..
Anak: ma hapit ko ma.top 1 sa among klase...
Mama: nganong naka.ingon mn ka ana dong
Anak: Ang2x ma ang gi.tudlo sa akong maestra ang ako mang tupad... sus hapita nko...
sakop ug amo:
SAKOP: Lenti kang amoha ka! Imo kong gihimo nga tawo2x sa basakan, unya ako sweldo walay saka2x! kun mamatay ko, kinsa mopakaon sa akong pamilya, ikaw?
AMO: Eninglisa, kay patas-on nako imong sweldo.
SAKOP: Lightning you! Man2x me in the farm, my salary did not climb! If i die who will eat my Family, you?
mama: sus! ambot nlng gyud nmong bataa ka oi..
juan: ngano nmn sad?!
mama: kadako jud nim ug kaon.. alkansi kay ta sa kwarta ani dah.. awa ra gud imong lawas oh.. dako na kaau ka..
juan: SUS!.. unsa man ni si mama oi..
mama: ngano man mo supak ka??
juan: awa ra gud.! kun ang baboy nato mkaon og dako.. malipay ka.. kun ako gani, masuko ka.. kinsa man jud imong anak?? ako o ang baboy?!
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Visayan Corny Jokes
This are visayan corny jokes that we usually hear from our friends, in streets, radios and old folks. I hope that you will ejoy watching this :-)
Bisaya Jokes # 1 Courtesy of Youtube
Bisaya Jokes # 1 Courtesy of Youtube
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Istoryahee Jokes, Pick up lines and the like
Boy: baby, tae ka ba?
Girl: (galit)yuck! wag ka ngang bastos! hindi ah! bakit? bka ikaw?!
Boy: eh kasi di kita kayang paglaruan..
Girl: estoryaeeeeeeeeh!!
boy: nurse, unsay tambal para sa sakit sa kasing-kasing?
nurse: huh? na-unsa man diay ka sir?
boy: dali raman gud ayu ko ma-inlab...
nurse: yaaattteeeeeeeeeeeehhh ra!!!
hehehehehe...
Boy: miss refrigerator ka ba?
Girl: huh? dako ba jud diay ko?
Boy: hindi, nag yeyelo kasi ngipin mo.
A fat lady asked her bf wat she lookd like..
d boy replied:
"u look lyk a GOD."
d fat lady smiled..
Giggled & blushed den askd
"cnung GOD?Aphrodite?Venus?who?"
d boy lookd deeply n her eyes..
touched her belly & said..
"buddah"..
Girl: Hulog ka ba ng langit?
Boy: (Giganahan) Nganu diay? Do I look like an angel?
Girl: Di uy! Nalumping man gud imung nawng!
Boy : energy drink kba?
Girl : bkt? dahil ba ako ang nagbibigay sayo ng lakas?
Boy : hindi no.. mukha ka kasing cobra
Teacher:use HEY in a sentence.
Yes Pedro!
Pedro:HEY!THAT'S MY BAG!
Teacher:Very Good!
You Juan ?
Juan:Our teacher is very cute,baby face for short,Shes really beautiful.
Teacher:wow...thank you Juan,but where's HEY ?
Juan: EstoryaHEY !!!
Boy: miss, ketchup ka ba?
Girl: unsa naman pud nga ka kornehan?
Boy: gipangita naman gud ka sa akong hotdog
Guy: naa kay ball pen??
Girl: naa.. (ghtag ang ballpen)
Guy: di lagi mu-agi??
Girl: mu-agi na oi.. tka rka..
Guy: ows?? suwat imu number beh..
GIRL: Google ba ka?
Boy: nganu man?
Girl: kay tanan naku nga gipangita naa nimu!
boy : bolang kristal ka miga?
girl : dili ui, nganu lingin diay kog nawng?
boy : awww di man, nakita man gud nko akong kaugmaon diha nimu!
ESTORYAHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh?
Kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad.
Boy: Kuha unya ko og driver's license nimu miss.
Girl: Adto sa LTO ohhh.. nano ari man ka naku?
Boy: Because you're driving me crazy.
imong sakyanan kay Estoryahee!!!
Boy: Miss, tao ka ba ?
Girl: (kinilig) bakit ?
.
.
Boy: Parang hindi eh. HAHAHAHAHA
1 day i was standing on a street when an old man came to me and said
"bili ka ng payong"
nagtaka ako kasi di naman maaraw at di rin maulan. Then I ask
" bakit naman po?
the lolo said
"inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan eh"
akala ko nung una TRUMPO ka,
kasi lagi kang umiikot sa isip ko..
.
pero ngaun nalaman ko na TURNILYO ka pala,
kasi habang umiikot ka sa isip ko,
lalo kang bumabaon sa puso ko :)
Are you good in math? Can you substitute my X without asking Y?
Boy: Hello tina?
Girl: Di ako si Tina huh?
Boy: aw Akala ko ikaw yung c TINA-DHANA nang buhay Ko!
Girl: Estoryaheeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Malapit ng mag NOVEMBER 1 , may dadalawin ka na ba ? AKO nalang dalawin mo , tutal PATAY NA PATAY naman ako sayo eh...
Girl: mura jud ka ug troso
Boy: y man? tungod kay solid akong lawas?
girl: d oi. lami kaayo ka tigbason
boy : hala ning mubo lage ka babes?
girl : ha? ngano nka sulti mn ka ana?
boy : b4 mn tga ulo na tka... pro karon.. naa nka sa dughan nku....
Girl: di ko nimo kay laagan ka.
Boy: tungod sa akong kalaagan, nasaag ko sa imong dughan.
Girl: Estoryaheeee..
Boy: Miga, c Miss Angola ka?
Girl: Sus! old skul, kai pangMiss Universe ako beauty?!
Boy: Acetoryahe!! Panit nmo ai murag lubut sa kaldero
boy: kung ma prenda pa ka dai, d na jud ka ma lukat...
girl: nanu man?
boy: dako na kau akong INTEREST nimo gud.....
hehehe
Gf: anong pangarap mo sa buhay?
Bf: ang sumakay sa jeep kasama ka.
Gf: yun lang??!!
.
Bf: at sabihing..
''bayad oh, dalawang senior citizen''..
guy: miss, out-of-school ka?
gurl: huh? nganu ka.ingon man ka ana?
guy: kada adlaw man ka cge tambay sakong hunahuna gud...
STORYAHE!!!
boy: miss naa ky eraser?
gurl: wla rba, nganu mn?
boy: i erase ta tka sa akong huna2x....
gurl: ESTORYAHEE!!!!!!
boy: nilaag mn ka pggbie miss noh
gurl: wala mn... nganu d.i
boy: naabot mn ka sa akong damgo gud!...
boy: Is your last name Gillette?
gurl: dli rba... y mn??
boy: Because you’re the best a man can get
boy: miga wa ka kapoya?
girl: ha? wa man ngano?
boy: ganina ra man gud ka nag dagan2x sa akong huna2x
boy: miga mura lagi kag inun-unan?
girl : (suko mode)unsa? basi gi gutom ka?!nganu man?
boy: ayaw lang kasuko gud, nagka dugay man gud ka, nagka lami....
boy: miss, Abog ka?
Girl:dli ngano mn?
Boy: Napuling mn jud ko
Girl nganong napuling mn ka?
Boy:na PULING INLOVE mn jud ko sa imo
Boy: Nangutana baya akong parents kung ABS-CBN ba daw ka
Girl: huh?! Y man ?!
Boy: Gusto man gud nila nga mahimo ka namong KAPAMILYA!
hahaha estoryaheeee
Girl: (galit)yuck! wag ka ngang bastos! hindi ah! bakit? bka ikaw?!
Boy: eh kasi di kita kayang paglaruan..
Girl: estoryaeeeeeeeeh!!
boy: nurse, unsay tambal para sa sakit sa kasing-kasing?
nurse: huh? na-unsa man diay ka sir?
boy: dali raman gud ayu ko ma-inlab...
nurse: yaaattteeeeeeeeeeeehhh ra!!!
hehehehehe...
Boy: miss refrigerator ka ba?
Girl: huh? dako ba jud diay ko?
Boy: hindi, nag yeyelo kasi ngipin mo.
A fat lady asked her bf wat she lookd like..
d boy replied:
"u look lyk a GOD."
d fat lady smiled..
Giggled & blushed den askd
"cnung GOD?Aphrodite?Venus?who?"
d boy lookd deeply n her eyes..
touched her belly & said..
"buddah"..
Girl: Hulog ka ba ng langit?
Boy: (Giganahan) Nganu diay? Do I look like an angel?
Girl: Di uy! Nalumping man gud imung nawng!
Boy : energy drink kba?
Girl : bkt? dahil ba ako ang nagbibigay sayo ng lakas?
Boy : hindi no.. mukha ka kasing cobra
Teacher:use HEY in a sentence.
Yes Pedro!
Pedro:HEY!THAT'S MY BAG!
Teacher:Very Good!
You Juan ?
Juan:Our teacher is very cute,baby face for short,Shes really beautiful.
Teacher:wow...thank you Juan,but where's HEY ?
Juan: EstoryaHEY !!!
Boy: miss, ketchup ka ba?
Girl: unsa naman pud nga ka kornehan?
Boy: gipangita naman gud ka sa akong hotdog
Guy: naa kay ball pen??
Girl: naa.. (ghtag ang ballpen)
Guy: di lagi mu-agi??
Girl: mu-agi na oi.. tka rka..
Guy: ows?? suwat imu number beh..
GIRL: Google ba ka?
Boy: nganu man?
Girl: kay tanan naku nga gipangita naa nimu!
boy : bolang kristal ka miga?
girl : dili ui, nganu lingin diay kog nawng?
boy : awww di man, nakita man gud nko akong kaugmaon diha nimu!
ESTORYAHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh?
Kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad.
Boy: Kuha unya ko og driver's license nimu miss.
Girl: Adto sa LTO ohhh.. nano ari man ka naku?
Boy: Because you're driving me crazy.
imong sakyanan kay Estoryahee!!!
Boy: Miss, tao ka ba ?
Girl: (kinilig) bakit ?
.
.
Boy: Parang hindi eh. HAHAHAHAHA
1 day i was standing on a street when an old man came to me and said
"bili ka ng payong"
nagtaka ako kasi di naman maaraw at di rin maulan. Then I ask
" bakit naman po?
the lolo said
"inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan eh"
akala ko nung una TRUMPO ka,
kasi lagi kang umiikot sa isip ko..
.
pero ngaun nalaman ko na TURNILYO ka pala,
kasi habang umiikot ka sa isip ko,
lalo kang bumabaon sa puso ko :)
Are you good in math? Can you substitute my X without asking Y?
Boy: Hello tina?
Girl: Di ako si Tina huh?
Boy: aw Akala ko ikaw yung c TINA-DHANA nang buhay Ko!
Girl: Estoryaheeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Malapit ng mag NOVEMBER 1 , may dadalawin ka na ba ? AKO nalang dalawin mo , tutal PATAY NA PATAY naman ako sayo eh...
Girl: mura jud ka ug troso
Boy: y man? tungod kay solid akong lawas?
girl: d oi. lami kaayo ka tigbason
boy : hala ning mubo lage ka babes?
girl : ha? ngano nka sulti mn ka ana?
boy : b4 mn tga ulo na tka... pro karon.. naa nka sa dughan nku....
Girl: di ko nimo kay laagan ka.
Boy: tungod sa akong kalaagan, nasaag ko sa imong dughan.
Girl: Estoryaheeee..
Boy: Miga, c Miss Angola ka?
Girl: Sus! old skul, kai pangMiss Universe ako beauty?!
Boy: Acetoryahe!! Panit nmo ai murag lubut sa kaldero
boy: kung ma prenda pa ka dai, d na jud ka ma lukat...
girl: nanu man?
boy: dako na kau akong INTEREST nimo gud.....
hehehe
Gf: anong pangarap mo sa buhay?
Bf: ang sumakay sa jeep kasama ka.
Gf: yun lang??!!
.
Bf: at sabihing..
''bayad oh, dalawang senior citizen''..
guy: miss, out-of-school ka?
gurl: huh? nganu ka.ingon man ka ana?
guy: kada adlaw man ka cge tambay sakong hunahuna gud...
STORYAHE!!!
boy: miss naa ky eraser?
gurl: wla rba, nganu mn?
boy: i erase ta tka sa akong huna2x....
gurl: ESTORYAHEE!!!!!!
boy: nilaag mn ka pggbie miss noh
gurl: wala mn... nganu d.i
boy: naabot mn ka sa akong damgo gud!...
boy: Is your last name Gillette?
gurl: dli rba... y mn??
boy: Because you’re the best a man can get
boy: miga wa ka kapoya?
girl: ha? wa man ngano?
boy: ganina ra man gud ka nag dagan2x sa akong huna2x
boy: miga mura lagi kag inun-unan?
girl : (suko mode)unsa? basi gi gutom ka?!nganu man?
boy: ayaw lang kasuko gud, nagka dugay man gud ka, nagka lami....
boy: miss, Abog ka?
Girl:dli ngano mn?
Boy: Napuling mn jud ko
Girl nganong napuling mn ka?
Boy:na PULING INLOVE mn jud ko sa imo
Boy: Nangutana baya akong parents kung ABS-CBN ba daw ka
Girl: huh?! Y man ?!
Boy: Gusto man gud nila nga mahimo ka namong KAPAMILYA!
hahaha estoryaheeee
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Funny Pinoy Jokes - English Jokes
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204.
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at
least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and
thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make
four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and
make all the Filipinos happy?"
Why do boys walk fast and girls speak more?
Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.
Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !!
Just Before Hanging, Judge Asked The
Prisoner: "Any Last Wish?"
Prisoner: Yes.. I Want To Update My Facebook Status
As "DEAD"
She had a Coca-Cola body
too bad it was the 2-Liter version.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio ...hahahhahaa
A man carrying 6 babies in a train. A lady sitting next 2 him asked,"are these ur babies?
"No I'm a condom salesman & these are Customer Complaints..
Daughter: mom. . My boyfriend doesn't believe in heaven and hell.
Mom: alright. . You marry your bf and let him experience heaven in you. . I'll take care of the hell part.
A chinese lady cant speak english
at the grocery she wanted to buy beef leg, she showed her legs
next day she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast
3rd day she brought along her husband becoz she wanted sausage
what did she do?
Dirty minded!
her husband can speak english...
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”!
idiot guy on phone: Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
idiot guy: No this is her husband speaking.
A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps ppol hu lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner.
DAD: Son, where wer u 2day during skul hrs?
SON: @ School. Robot slaps son!
SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies.
DAD: W/c one?
SON: Toy Story.
Robot slaps son agen!
SON: Ok, it was porn.
DAD: Wat?! Wen I ws ur age, I didn't even know wat porn was. Robot slaps Dad!
MOM: 4giv him dear, after all he's ur son. Robot slaps mom! hehe..
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I‘d give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I‘ve got to see both of them. I‘ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"..
Reporter: Any similarities between Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio and Ninoy Aquino?
Erap: All I know is that they all died during a holiday! That’s all I know…
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word for several miles.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, dogs, and sows, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Making Love To...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
my mom still thinks that LOL means lots of love.
she sent me a message saying:
Your grandad has just died, LOL
A doctor calls up his patient with his test results: "Mr. Smith I have bad news and really bad news."
Mr Smith says: "Well, I‘ll take the bad news first."
Doctor says: "You only have 24 hours to live."
Mr. Smith cries and says: "Well what could be even worse than that"
Doctor: "I forgot to call you yesterday."
The Philippine presidents flying in a plane.
GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at
least 1 Filipino happy?
CORY: but my dear, why don't you throw 2 checks for half a million each and
thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make
four Filipinos happy?
And on it went until finally, Erap blurts out:
"but madam president, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and
make all the Filipinos happy?"
Why do boys walk fast and girls speak more?
Because boys have one extra leg and girls have one extra mouth.
Father : hey Son! why is your mother sitting so silent today?
Son: nothing Dad. She asked for lipstick and i heard
" GLUE STICK "
Father : God bless u son !!
Just Before Hanging, Judge Asked The
Prisoner: "Any Last Wish?"
Prisoner: Yes.. I Want To Update My Facebook Status
As "DEAD"
She had a Coca-Cola body
too bad it was the 2-Liter version.
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio ...hahahhahaa
A man carrying 6 babies in a train. A lady sitting next 2 him asked,"are these ur babies?
"No I'm a condom salesman & these are Customer Complaints..
Daughter: mom. . My boyfriend doesn't believe in heaven and hell.
Mom: alright. . You marry your bf and let him experience heaven in you. . I'll take care of the hell part.
A chinese lady cant speak english
at the grocery she wanted to buy beef leg, she showed her legs
next day she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast
3rd day she brought along her husband becoz she wanted sausage
what did she do?
Dirty minded!
her husband can speak english...
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”!
idiot guy on phone: Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.
Doctor: Is this her first child?
idiot guy: No this is her husband speaking.
A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps ppol hu lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner.
DAD: Son, where wer u 2day during skul hrs?
SON: @ School. Robot slaps son!
SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies.
DAD: W/c one?
SON: Toy Story.
Robot slaps son agen!
SON: Ok, it was porn.
DAD: Wat?! Wen I ws ur age, I didn't even know wat porn was. Robot slaps Dad!
MOM: 4giv him dear, after all he's ur son. Robot slaps mom! hehe..
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I‘d give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I‘ve got to see both of them. I‘ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"..
Reporter: Any similarities between Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio and Ninoy Aquino?
Erap: All I know is that they all died during a holiday! That’s all I know…
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word for several miles.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, dogs, and sows, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Making Love To...
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
TRIVIA: do you know how they make rubber gloves in China?
Workers deep their hands into melted latex, then air-dry them.
Now guess how they make condoms?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
my mom still thinks that LOL means lots of love.
she sent me a message saying:
Your grandad has just died, LOL
A doctor calls up his patient with his test results: "Mr. Smith I have bad news and really bad news."
Mr Smith says: "Well, I‘ll take the bad news first."
Doctor says: "You only have 24 hours to live."
Mr. Smith cries and says: "Well what could be even worse than that"
Doctor: "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Tagalog Jokes
kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sanasila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ekek.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang
mahaba sa gitna nito...
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
Pedro: Galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid grabe ang linaw na ng pandinig ko
Juan: talga?! Magkano ang bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang…
Guy:yan ang dati kong gf.
Jowa:ang pangit2x naman!
Guy:wala akong magagawa,yan talaga weakness ko ever since!!!
hahhaahah
Misis: "Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko
kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: "sweetheart, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa
lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!
Anak: tay cnu mas matalino ang anak o ang Papa?
Papa: eh syempre dapat ang papa.
Anak: cnu nag embento ng telescope.
Papa: si galileo.
Anak: eh bakit hindi papa ni galileo ang uminbento?
Pacquiao: honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : lambing mo talaga. mwah !! nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tau anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin…
“MANKY”
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ekek.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na
chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.
AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such
unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!! .hehehe
Magsyota naglalakad sa park:
GF: Hon, ihi muna ako
BF: Dyan ka nalang sa damuhan...
Habang umiihi, kinapkap ni BF ang legs ni GF nang may mahawakan syang
mahaba sa gitna nito...
BF: Anak ng?! Bading ka ba o nagpalit na ng kasarian??
GF: Sira! Nagpalit lang ako ng desisyon. Tumatae na ako.
Pedro: Galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid grabe ang linaw na ng pandinig ko
Juan: talga?! Magkano ang bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang…
Guy:yan ang dati kong gf.
Jowa:ang pangit2x naman!
Guy:wala akong magagawa,yan talaga weakness ko ever since!!!
hahhaahah
Misis: "Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko
kasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: "sweetheart, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa
lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!
Anak: tay cnu mas matalino ang anak o ang Papa?
Papa: eh syempre dapat ang papa.
Anak: cnu nag embento ng telescope.
Papa: si galileo.
Anak: eh bakit hindi papa ni galileo ang uminbento?
Pacquiao: honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : lambing mo talaga. mwah !! nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita… ang dilim!!
Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tau anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin…
“MANKY”
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Funny Pinoy Jokes - Visayan Jokes
ATTY: asa ka pagkhitabo sa rape?
JUN: sa kamaisan
ATTY: nag-unsa ka didto?
JUN: nalibang!
ATTY: pila ka kadupa gikan sa krimen?
JUN: naa bay malibang magdupa-dupa?....
Ayaw pagbugal-bugal torni uy!
Papa:nak bugok man ka ui, dli ka parehas ne pedro nga top 5 perme.
Anak:unfair man ka pa, dli q nimu dapat e comapre ni pedro kay bryt bya ang papa ato
kun pugson gni ka sa imung parents ug tug an sa imung sala
ingna sila:
"No person shall be compelled to be a witness against himself".
-Philippine Constitution - Article III Section 17:Right Against Self Incrimination.
Safe ka na, nosebleed pa sila!
2 ka rapist nadakpan!
biktima:Prisoha gyud na ang isa sir kay hayop ka siya!
Pulis: Ang isa diay?
biktima: Ayaw lang kay way mama kusog kaau mototoy!
Madre and Sakrtistan talking...
Madre: Dong unsay apelyedo nmu?
Sakristan: kahibaw naka ana sister wui, imu na pirmi gunitan...
Madre:Sos Maryusep OTEN imong apelyedo dong?
Sakristan: Madre bya wui, Cruz wui..
Hahaha
kawatan nikatkat sa lubi nasakpan sa tag iya...
Tag-iya: aha! mao d i nahurot aqng lubi ikaw d i tigkuha!
kawatan: sakpan na kung sakpan di lang ta pakuyawan. unya ug matagak ko dri?
Asawa: dong, maunsa ka kng ma2tay ko?
Bana: tingalig mamatay sad ko!
Asawa: ha! ngano man?
Bana: Usahay mkptay bya nang sobra sa KALIPAY!..
ahahaha
Anak: tay, buros ko..
Tatay: tan-awa! Ingnan tika na ayaw kompyansa anang imong uyab nga karun!
Anak: Unsaon man tay, nga dli man jod mapug-ngan!
Tatay: Diba, gi-ingnan taka nga kugn mogunit sa imo totoy, ingna “DON’T!”
Kung mogunit sa imo bugan, ingna “STOP!”
Anak: unya tay, kay gidungan man nya ug hikap, di ingon ko
“DON’T’ STOP.”
Guy 1 :Pre gaaway mi sakong gf
Guy 2 :NGANU MAN ?
Guy 1 :Ngayu siya ug gift basta naa lay diamond
Guy 2 : unya unsa may ghatag nmo ?
Guy 1 :Baraha!
BATA: ayoo!!!
TINDERA: wat's yours boy?
BATA: yamat rah ge englisan ko.
TINDERA: Can i get ur ORDER?
BATA: Nang, naa moy liquid solution dat mixed evenly w/ organic
commpound substances & had undergone fermentation & sealed
in a solid state of matter in a homogeneous mixture?
TINDER: HA??
BATA: REDHORSE buh, BUGOK!
Tatay: Kung di gani ka makapasar sa exam, ayaw nako tawga ug tatay.
Anak: O, Tay.
(human sa exam)
Tatay: Anak, kumusta ang exam?
Anak: Ok ra friend.
JUN: sa kamaisan
ATTY: nag-unsa ka didto?
JUN: nalibang!
ATTY: pila ka kadupa gikan sa krimen?
JUN: naa bay malibang magdupa-dupa?....
Ayaw pagbugal-bugal torni uy!
Papa:nak bugok man ka ui, dli ka parehas ne pedro nga top 5 perme.
Anak:unfair man ka pa, dli q nimu dapat e comapre ni pedro kay bryt bya ang papa ato
kun pugson gni ka sa imung parents ug tug an sa imung sala
ingna sila:
"No person shall be compelled to be a witness against himself".
-Philippine Constitution - Article III Section 17:Right Against Self Incrimination.
Safe ka na, nosebleed pa sila!
2 ka rapist nadakpan!
biktima:Prisoha gyud na ang isa sir kay hayop ka siya!
Pulis: Ang isa diay?
biktima: Ayaw lang kay way mama kusog kaau mototoy!
Madre and Sakrtistan talking...
Madre: Dong unsay apelyedo nmu?
Sakristan: kahibaw naka ana sister wui, imu na pirmi gunitan...
Madre:Sos Maryusep OTEN imong apelyedo dong?
Sakristan: Madre bya wui, Cruz wui..
Hahaha
kawatan nikatkat sa lubi nasakpan sa tag iya...
Tag-iya: aha! mao d i nahurot aqng lubi ikaw d i tigkuha!
kawatan: sakpan na kung sakpan di lang ta pakuyawan. unya ug matagak ko dri?
Asawa: dong, maunsa ka kng ma2tay ko?
Bana: tingalig mamatay sad ko!
Asawa: ha! ngano man?
Bana: Usahay mkptay bya nang sobra sa KALIPAY!..
ahahaha
Anak: tay, buros ko..
Tatay: tan-awa! Ingnan tika na ayaw kompyansa anang imong uyab nga karun!
Anak: Unsaon man tay, nga dli man jod mapug-ngan!
Tatay: Diba, gi-ingnan taka nga kugn mogunit sa imo totoy, ingna “DON’T!”
Kung mogunit sa imo bugan, ingna “STOP!”
Anak: unya tay, kay gidungan man nya ug hikap, di ingon ko
“DON’T’ STOP.”
Guy 1 :Pre gaaway mi sakong gf
Guy 2 :NGANU MAN ?
Guy 1 :Ngayu siya ug gift basta naa lay diamond
Guy 2 : unya unsa may ghatag nmo ?
Guy 1 :Baraha!
BATA: ayoo!!!
TINDERA: wat's yours boy?
BATA: yamat rah ge englisan ko.
TINDERA: Can i get ur ORDER?
BATA: Nang, naa moy liquid solution dat mixed evenly w/ organic
commpound substances & had undergone fermentation & sealed
in a solid state of matter in a homogeneous mixture?
TINDER: HA??
BATA: REDHORSE buh, BUGOK!
Tatay: Kung di gani ka makapasar sa exam, ayaw nako tawga ug tatay.
Anak: O, Tay.
(human sa exam)
Tatay: Anak, kumusta ang exam?
Anak: Ok ra friend.
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